sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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