at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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