Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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