i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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