By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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