I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
