Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
