BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
