I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
