Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
