awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
