my phone needs a breathalizer
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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