filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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