im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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