I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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