So drunk its hurt
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Who died my cat blue again?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Oh god it's open bar.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
