I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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