Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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