Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
