i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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