Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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