Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
