To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
