i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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