remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
