it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
