Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
