My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
