Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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