After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
