What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
