I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize