how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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