Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize