Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
