i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
