That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
