When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
