When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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