i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
