I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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