i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he fucked my hip out of place.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize