My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
