Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
