I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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