The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
