for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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