My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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