You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
