My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This is the high leading the old right now
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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