Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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