Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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