She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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