My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
