Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
