Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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