If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
