maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
