Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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