Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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