I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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