You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
